40 Weeks: My Zwischen... another reason I have a doula!

~ BETWEEN ~

"You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting."
~ Tinkerbell

1. Dairy-free/Soy-free Freezer meals and snacks? CHECK
2. Nursery complete? CHECK
3. Co-sleeper and bassinet cleaned and set up in bedroom? CHECK
4. ALL baby stuff from attic cleaned and set up? CHECK
5. Wipes ready to be made? CHECK
6. All baby clothes washed, hung and ready to wear? CHECK
7. Nursing clothes ready? CHECK
8. House clean? CHECK
9. Big brother's care takers arranged? CHECK
10. Daddy has applied for FMLA leave? CHECK
11. Mama finished working for the past 1 1/2 months? CHECK
12. Daddy's work goals caught up? CHECK
13. Birth supplies ready and set up? CHECK
14. Food purchased for labor? CHECK
15. Birth plans complete? CHECK
16. All members of birth team hired, paid, etc.? CHECK
17. Big brother gifts bought? CHECK
18. Birth team gifts bought? CHECK
19. Contact list made for when labor starts and baby is born? CHECK
20. Jacob's birth planned and invitations mailed? CHECK
21. Books read? CHECK
22. Breastfeeding class complete? CHECK
23. Childbirth class complete? CHECK
24. Reached the random "40 week" mark? CHECK
25. Emotionally ready? CHECK CHECK!

And yet... Baby Ruth is still holding on to her precious place in Mama's womb. I have had peace while anticipation... a few moments of impatience around 38 1/2 weeks, but more than willing and ready to wait for God's timing for our baby's birth. Then, today... 40 weeks... a random number! I know well that statistics always work on a curve and many people regularly deliver at 41 or 42 weeks and some beyond that - with healthy babies and smooth deliveries. But today hit and my heart caved... I realized that a part of me believed the Lord would bring this baby prior to 40 weeks as a part of reassuring me from some of what unfolded with my sweet, malpositioned baby boy 2 years ago. At this point in my pregnancy with Jacob, we were working hard to buy a house (we contacted our realtor on October 7th and closed November 3rd, though I was due October 23rd!), I was working full-time (and on the road a LOT with work - and I worked up until I was 41 weeks, 3 days and then went into labor the next day), and my amazing Mother had come to be there for the birth and stayed for the 2 week wait, so I had great company, though unexpected for us both. This time, all my "to dos" are done and I am... waiting... and I spend time visualizing birth and our birth and holding our little one for the first time. I am so very excited to see her!

Today, I had, for several hours, what felt like really intense PMS! I worked this morning, my last shift until the first of the year. That was the last milestone of our week and I realized that part of me thought labor would commence shortly thereafter. On top of that, Jacob's nap time was disrupted by a firetruck roaring through our neighborhood when he'd been sleeping just about 15 or 20 minutes. Our son is, like his Daddy, a light sleeper and, once the "edge" is taken off (eg - with a 15 minute nap), he can go for a while. But, if not interrupted, he will sleep 2 to 2 1/2 hours every afternoon! And I have SO needed those sleep sessions, because then I sleep too! I kept having to redirect him back to bed... just as we had settled for about 30 minutes, a delivery from the USPS brought my doorbell ringing, and dog barking, and more wakefulness! I was SO done! Almost in tears, I just told Jacob he had to stay in bed and I laid down and fell asleep. I woke at 3:50pm and was sure he was probably still awake playing in his room... and found him fast asleep on his floor - guess he had played himself to sleep... my sweet boy. But he was ready for bed in just a couple hours from waking - actually asking for "Bed night night?" during dinner! You see - physically I feel great! I have no swelling, my weight gain has been amazing, and I just feel like I did before the halfway point with my first pregnancy. But emotionally, I just am ready for the labor and birth journey I've prayed about, envisioned and prepared for! And to have our precious little one in my arms!

Well, as God would have it - my amazing doula (Kaitlyn Wages with Faithfully Delivered) texted me and I saw it after my nap to wish me a happy due date! I shared with her the emotions that had come on strong and she assured me these are TOTALLY normal at this point in pregnancy. She sent me this INCREDIBLE article that has been so very encouraging. God used it to encourage my spirit and then, as Jacob woke, I focused on time outside playing with my boy, then we got out our drums and had some Mama and Jacob marching with our drum time, which cracked Jacob up!

I'm pasting this article in its entirety because it just means a lot to me. My best friend / sister-of-the-heart is German, so all things German have always fascinated me and warmed my heart. And this article uses a German concept to qualify this season of my life as I wait on God's timing for this precious baby's arrival. You can find the article online HERE.

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The Last Days of Pregnancy: A Place of In-Between

April 10, 2012 Written by Jana Studelska Family , Midwifery , Motherhood , Pregnancy and Birth

She’s curled up on the couch, waiting, a ball of baby and emotions. A scrambled pile of books on pregnancy, labor, baby names, breastfeeding…not one more word can be absorbed. The birth supplies are loaded in a laundry basket, ready for action. The freezer is filled with meals, the car seat installed, the camera charged. It’s time to hurry up and wait. Not a comfortable place to be, but wholly necessary.

The last days of pregnancy— sometimes stretching to agonizing weeks—are a distinct place, time, event, stage. It is a time of in between. Neither here nor there. Your old self and your new self, balanced on the edge of a pregnancy. One foot in your old world, one foot in a new world.

Shouldn’t there be a word for this state of being, describing the time and place where mothers linger, waiting to be called forward?

Germans have a word, zwischen, which means between. I’ve co-opted that word for my own obstetrical uses. When I sense the discomfort and tension of late pregnancy in my clients, I suggest that they are now in The Time of Zwischen. The time of in between, where the opening begins. Giving it a name gives it dimension, an experience closer to wonder than endurance.

I tell these beautiful, round, swollen, weepy women to go with it and be okay there. Feel it, think it, don’t push it away. Write it down, sing really loudly when no one else is home, go commune with nature, or crawl into your own mama’s lap so she can rub your head until you feel better. I tell their men to let go of their worry; this is an early sign of labor. I encourage them to sequester themselves if they need space, to go out if they need distraction, to enjoy the last hours of this life-as-they-now-know-it. I try to give them permission to follow the instinctual gravitational pulls that are at work within them, just as real and necessary as labor.

The discomforts of late pregnancy are easy to Google: painful pelvis, squished bladder, swollen ankles, leaky nipples, weight unevenly distributed in a girth that makes scratching an itch at ankle level a feat of flexibility.  “You might find yourself teary and exhausted,” says one website, “but your baby is coming soon!” Cheer up, sweetie, you’re having a baby. More messaging that what is going on is incidental and insignificant.

What we don’t have is reverence or relevance—or even a working understanding of the vulnerability and openness a woman experiences at this time. Our language and culture fails us. This surely explains why many women find this time so complicated and tricky. But whether we recognize it or not, these last days of pregnancy are a distinct biologic and psychological event, essential to the birth of a mother.

We don’t scientifically understand the complex hormones at play that loosen both her hips and her awareness.  In fact, this uncomfortable time of aching is an early form of labor in which a woman begins opening her cervix and her soul. Someday, maybe we will be able to quantify this hormonal advance—the prolactin, oxytocin, cortisol, relaxin. But for now, it is still shrouded in mystery, and we know only how to measure thinning and dilation.

“You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you, Peter Pan. That’s where I’ll be waiting.”        -Tinkerbell

I believe that this is more than biological. It is spiritual. To give birth, whether at home in a birth tub with candles and family or in a surgical suite with machines and a neonatal team, a woman must go to the place between this world and the next, to that thin membrane between here and there. To the place where life comes from, to the mystery, in order to reach over to bring forth the child that is hers. The heroic tales of Odysseus are with us, each ordinary day. This round woman is not going into battle, but she is going to the edge of her being where every resource she has will be called on to assist in this journey.

We need time and space to prepare for that journey. And somewhere, deep inside us, at a primal level, our cells and hormones and mind and soul know this, and begin the work with or without our awareness.

I call out Zwischen in prenatals as a way of offering comfort and, also, as a way of offering protection. I see how simple it is to exploit and abuse this time. A scheduled induction is seductive, promising a sense of control. Fearful and confused family can trigger a crisis of confidence. We are not a culture that waits for anything, nor are we believers in normal birth; waiting for a baby can feel like insanity. Giving this a name points her toward listening and developing her own intuition. That, in turn, is a powerful training ground for motherhood.

Today, I am waiting for a lovely new mother named Allison to call me, to announce that her Zwischen is ended and labor has begun. I am in my own in between place, waiting. My opportunity to grow and open is a lovely gift she gives me, in choosing me to attend her birth.

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A sweet friend called me today to check in and another sent me a message asking to Skype or talk soon and both were sent from God and I'm grateful for how HE uses those in our life to show us HIS love. 

Tomorrow morning I see my chiropractor and get a massage from her awesome massage therapist! Then, Friday morning we have our midwife appointment. Then, there's our weekend as family! The weather is turning cooler here this weekend - with the high Saturday being 55!! I love cooler weather and have much to look forward to in the days ahead. I told some close girlfriends in my family that I feel like preparing for this birth and labor journey and welcoming Ruth into our home has been like planning this incredible event, like a wedding, but with no determined event date! But what a great opportunity to learn about waiting, pressing into God who knows all about waiting on us - on us to pursue time with Him, to know Him, to walk with Him.. I hadn't thought of this perspective but as my doula pointed this out it resonated with me. So this is my Zwischen - my time of in between, of waiting, and seeking God as He prepares me for the journey of motherhood ahead. I looked around my house today as Jacob and I had an amazing dinner together, then I cleaned my kitchen and tidied my house as I do every evening and I remember how long it took us to get to this routine after having a newborn. I know our "normal" will change once Ruth joins us and it will take time to find our "new normal", as my dear friend Alaina calls it. So I'll enjoy these final days in our current normal where there is SO much good and love with me, my husband, and our incredible son. I think of how much Jacob just LOVES when "Mama, Daddy HOME!" and we are together as a family. I will relish these moments and pray for the new family of 4 that God is creating in the days ahead.

....WAITING....BETWEEN....

~ Mama Bruffey
Wife of One, Mother of Two