To The Baby In My Arms..

...you were "The Baby In My Belly"

January 23, 2012: 

I took a pregnancy test that showed, to my total shock, a FAINT pink line that would mean I was, in fact, pregnant. I really couldn't believe it - I had taken a test the day before that was negative... I texted a friend who is something of a pregnancy/birth junkie and she was like "I SEE IT!!" I posted a picture of the test online on a website where they "tweak" pregnancy test pictures to see if the line shows up... they all said "it's positive!! test again tomorrow!" I didn't tell Josh because, honestly, I didn't believe it. We'd been trying for 9 months and I had already resigned myself to waiting at least another month or more after the initial negative test. I had even talked to my mother the previous day and told her that we still weren't pregnant and, while disappointed, we would keep trying. I bought some digital tests, but waited to take more until the next day.

This was the test on 1.23.12 - VERY faint positive.

January 24, 2012: 

I took another test - and it was much darker! So, I took a digital test - ALSO positive. I just couldn't believe it! I took the digital test and laid it on Josh's pillow and sat on our bed waiting for him to wake up... when he finally did, he looked at the test, then at me, and was like, "What?!" He was confident from the beginning.

Over the next couple of days I took many more pregnancy tests - from cheap Dollar General tests to digital tests... they all were positive. We planned to wait an tell anyone until near the end of our first trimester this time. I had this creative way all planned to tell my parents that I'd long wanted to use! We were excited and yet, my heart hesitated. I just felt like something wasn't right. As it turned out, we told close family and friends much sooner than expected and my creative reveal was never to be.

A digital test and 2 more line tests the on the 24th. I just couldn't believe it!

But, I started to plan. I wasn't sure which midwife I wanted to use, but I knew I wanted to again pursue an out of hospital, natural birth. A good friend who knows a great deal about birth and the natural birth community in Fort Worth mentioned how much she liked the midwives at Edenway Birth Center in Cleburne. But Cleburne is SOUTH Fort Worth and we live in far NORTH Fort Worth.  I knew the closest birth center to us was All About Babies Birth Center in Argyle, just north of us. So, I pulled up their website and started reading the bios of their team of midwives. I noticed a name and picture I'd not seen or heard before - Joni Yankus. It mentioned in her bio that she had previously worked for Edenway! I had this sense - I wanted to meet her! There was one other midwife who also practiced through AABBC that I had heard great things about. Josh and I set up appointments with each of them. I still felt like it was all a dream or somehow surreal, but I had taken about 10 pregnancy tests that told me I was, indeed, carrying our 2nd baby. So, I moved forward with planning.

Friday, January 27, 2012: 

My Daddy's 60th Birthday! 

That day, before Josh left for work, I started bleeding and cramping. I texted the two midwives that we had been considering - both felt like I was miscarrying and told me to stay in bed, stay hydrated, and just wait. They also recommended red raspberry, which I knew could help, though if I were miscarrying, it wouldn't prevent it at this point. I think we got some red raspberry tea, but I don't remember exactly. The following days were much a blur. The day dragged on and I prayed and prayed, yet fear and dread grew in my heart. That evening, the cramping increased, so we called my OB/GYN's office. It was after hours, but as God would have it, my OB (who I trust and respect greatly) was on call that weekend. He agreed that I was most likely miscarrying and told me it was a matter of resting and waiting. It was one of the longest weekends of my life. Josh and I both could just pray, cry, and wait. I had, amidst the fear and pain, a peace. I knew, if God called our baby home, He was still good. I knew, if this baby was with us just these few short days (that we'd known about her), that God was good and her home would forever be in Heaven, safe and loved. But I ACHED for this baby to LIVE here on earth for me to hold and love! The 2 midwives (I LOVE the birth community here in Fort Worth!) stayed in touch, texting me and offering prayers, guidance, and encouragement for days. Thinking we would miscarry and not wanting to tell my beloved parents after the loss of a grandchild, I called them to tell them we were pregnant but that it likely wouldn't last. They were on a trip to celebrate my Father's birthday. They cried with me and prayed for me and our baby and our family. I'll never forget that phone call. Not long after this in the days to follow, we slowly shared our news with those we knew would offer prayer and support. In time, we openly let all family and friends know of our pregnancy.

*NOTE: My dear best friend / sister made the "Big Brother" t-shirt for Jacob, which was how I planned to tell my parents - having Jacob walk in to their house wearing it, so I still had the shirt for him to wear in pictures, despite not getting to do my creative reveal. I love her!!

Saturday, January 28, 2012:

The bleeding continued, but not quite as heavy. The cramping also persisted. I had other symptoms that, as I was in touch with the midwife who was to become our midwife for my pregnancy and birth, she was concerned it might be an ectopic pregnancy. That evening, she recommended I call my OB (who happens to be the back up doctor for the birth center) and talk to him again about my symptoms and our concern. In talking with him, he didn't feel like it was definitely ectopic, but agreed I should be checked and had me go to the ER at the hospital where he practices. It was, to date, the best ER experience I've had for either myself or my children! Although we were barely past 4 weeks pregnant and they couldn't see much in the ultrasounds they did, they could confirm that my cervix was closed so I wasn't actively losing the baby at that moment and that I did not have an ectopic pregnancy. Bloodwork confirmed I was pregnant, but the ultrasound tech said my numbers were low and that this suggested the pregnancy might not last. He also told me that I had a ruptured cyst on my right ovary. I didn't know that this would prove to be quite significant. Here is a post that explains all about what was happening in those early weeks of my 2nd pregnancy.

While laying in bed this day, still bleeding, cramping and uncertain of what was happening, I felt compelled to write a letter to my 2nd child. I entitled it, "To The Baby In My Belly". I eventually shared it with my mother and my sisters and it now is something I look back on as I remember those early days of uncertainty and how God carried us through. Here is this letter:

To the baby in my belly:

Sweet baby, I am your Mama. Right now you are so very tiny. I wish I could hold and comfort you. I am not sure if you will get to live long enough to be in my arms. My heart is breaking, yet prayerful and hopeful that in October you will be my sweet newborn. The waiting to know is so hard on your Mama’s heart. I love you already! Your Daddy and I have prayed and waited for you. You have an amazing brother waiting to love and play with you! He is so much fun and will give you kisses and teach you about dogs and walking and playing outside. He loves cheese and milk and playing with your Daddy. Your Daddy is AWESOME and will be SO good at taking care of you. He loves to make his children smile and laugh and he is really good at feeding and helping you sleep when you’re tired. He is the best Daddy in the whole world. And, as your Mama, I ache to see your little hands and little feet, to smell your sweet head, kiss your soft cheeks and tickle that little belly. I long to hear your sweet voice and see your precious eyes looking into mine – to see you smile and hold you close. To know the bond of nursing and rocking you as you sleep. I want to beam with pride as you learn new things – from rolling over to sitting up to the first time you stand and walk across the room. Oh sweet baby, please hold on and stay with our family! I know that God is taking care of you right now and even though I don’t know how long we will have you, even if just a short time and we never see you – you are SO very loved by your Mama and Daddy and big brother! If you go to Heaven, we will always miss you and love you deeply! But I know that Heaven is the perfect place where, if you go there before we hold you in our arms, you will always know love and peace and joy and get to be with your Heavenly Father who loves you more than anyone. You will get to see your Mamaw and Papaw Bruffey and your Grandmother Evelyn and Papa Henry and Granddaddy McCraw and Granddaddy Parish. You will get to meet your cousin (Baby Sims) and your other cousins (Baby Parish 1 and 2). If I don’t get to hold you in my arms, Jesus will! And you will never cry or hurt and that is a blessing to any Mama’s heart. OH how I want you here, but I trust our God – HE is good and loving and has the BEST plan for you. He sent you to us for now and I treasure knowing that you are growing in me. I only pray that you stay, but I trust our Lord and HIS plan for your little life. As I type this first letter to you, tears stream down my face and my heart feels like it could burst. OH how I want to hold you! But if I don’t get to hold you on this earth I know this: God is holding us both and I will one day hold you in Heaven! I just wanted to tell you now, whatever happens, I love you! Your Daddy loves you! Your brother loves you! You are our 4^th Bruffey! We love you so much I could never measure our love. But more than that, the God who made you loves you the most! I can’t even begin to understand His love because I know how much I love you! My prayer is God will take care of you and leave you with me for a while… I am your Mama. I love you Baby B!!

~ Elizabeth Bruffey

Mama to Baby B #2

January 28, 2012

(Spotting and cramping since yesterday – we are just over 4 weeks pregnant)

 “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus” – Philippians 1:6 (NASB)

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;    your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body;

   all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” - Psalm 139: 13-16

“I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;  From where shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth.  He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel

Will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; The LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day, Nor the moon by night. The LORD will [a]protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in From this time forth and forever.”  - Psalm 121:1-8 (NASB)

A YEAR LATER

January 27, 2013

Today is one year since we started bleeding and cramping and thinking we might never hold our 2nd child. In rereading the letter I wrote to her a year ago, I'm just humbled with gratitude for her precious life. What a pregnancy journey we had! I've wanted to write this second letter for a long time now and this anniversary marks the perfect date!

To the baby in my arms:

My sweet Ruth Evelyn, my second born beloved baby! I was born second, just like you! You are so special to me and your Daddy and your big brother Jacob! Our God is so good - through good times and bad, sickness and health, death and life. I am grateful for your precious life, that our Lord created you and then allowed you to survive the uncertainty of our early pregnancy and be born to be held in our arms! In fact, your Daddy was the first person on this earth to ever hold you, and I love that! I have treasured nursing you and rocking you, seeing you smile, hearing you laugh and watching you grow! It is a delight to see you in the same bouncy seat that Jacob once used as you try to grab Mr. Ducky, Mr. Frog, and Mr. Snail, just as he did! You rolled from your tummy to your back at just 6 weeks old! People say you will be in a hurry to keep up with your big brother! Well, I want you to stay little for a while! You have an infectious smile that lights up a room! People comment on how sweet you are, how pretty you are, and how big and beautiful your eyes! You have your Mama's and Aunt Rup's eyes - and look a lot like your Annie! You have the softest hair - your Grandmother says it is soft like a kiwi, smile. Your Daddy calls you his Glow Bug, which I love! You DO glow! Jacob loves to give you hugs and kisses and even "help" Mama pump milk for you to one day use! At your great, great uncle's 90th birthday party during your first Christmas/New Year season, you were the bell of the ball! I see in you an extrovert, much like your Aunt Rup and your Mama (though I am more of a shy extrovert and your Aunt Rup is 100% not shy!). I pray that you will know our God and trust Jesus as Savior. I pray God will draw you to Himself sooner than later in this life. This world is full of uncertainties and heartaches and the only true love and peace and assurance is found in our Creator. He loves you Ruth Evelyn Bruffey and sent you to Daddy and Jacob and me as stewards of His precious creation, just like He did in sending us Jacob. We had an incredible pregnancy  journey, baby girl! Through you I learned so much about how to take care of me and my body. I found a strength in Christ that I'd never known and an assurance in my faith in Him that runs deep. I had to trust His goodness even when I didn't know if I'd get to hold you. I had to find that I could cry to Him when I felt hurt or angry and needed a deep love and understanding. I also had to trust His timing when I felt impatient for you to be born and His strength as we went together through the journey of labor and birth - and what a journey it was that required the strength of us both, found only in God's strength! Together with you, I grew strong! You are my home birth, water birth baby! You have the sweetest little mouth and adorable voice. I love your sweet hands and feet and tickling you to hear you laugh. I cannot wait to see your precious hands signing and see what your first sign and first word will be! You are my daughter! A precious girl who I love dressing up with bows and lace and pink! I love wearing you in our Kinderpack and feeling you snuggled against me, especially when you fall asleep. Oh I want to hold you forever and protect you from the harshness that can exist in this life. But, God allowed you to be born in this world for a reason and HE has a plan that includes YOU if you will trust Him and seek Him and follow Him and the truth in His Word. My greatest desire as a Mama is for my children to walk with God in Christ Jesus. I know life is still full of uncertainties and I can't always protect you from every hurt, but I will do my best and trust the Lord to guide me as your Mama. You are WELCOMED into this family by so many. Loved by so many and delighted in! Your life has a PURPOSE! But more importantly, you were uniquely created by THE Creator - God, who loves you and delights in you more than anyone on this earth. I think of a book I really enjoyed called "The Help" - Ruth Evelyn Bruffey - you are kind. you are smart. you are important. I am SO SO SO glad you are now the baby in my arms!

~ Elizabeth Bruffey

Mama to Baby B #2 - Ruth Evelyn Bruffey

January 27, 2013

(Ruth Evelyn is now 3 months and 3 weeks old - 16 weeks yesterday)

 “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus” – Philippians 1:6 (NASB)

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;    your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body;

   all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” - Psalm 139: 13-16

“I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;  From where shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth.  He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel

Will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; The LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day, Nor the moon by night. The LORD will [a]protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in From this time forth and forever.”  - Psalm 121:1-8 (NASB)

~ Mama Bruffey ~

Daughter of God, Wife of One, Mother of Two