BB4: Glory Baby - An Unexpected Joy... Born in Heaven.

Jordan Emmanuel Bruffey

(BB4: Glory Baby)

10.8.2016

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure..."
~ Hebrews 6:19 ~

September 30, 2016... A Friday. I felt like things were off, so decided to take a test... and was surprised to see 2 beautiful pink lines! Josh had taken the kids to a family wedding so I ended up texting him a picture and he was shocked, as well, and overjoyed! "Is that us?!" he asked. But I was having unusual pain... I feared it might be ectopic. I announced the new little life on Facebook, doing so this early because something in me longed to have this little life celebrated. Monday, I called my doctor's office and they amazingly got me in that day and ran bloodwork. My HCG was at 97. I knew how far along I should be - 5 weeks - and the level was a bit low for that. We had an ultrasound to check placement of baby, but nothing showed yet. Though we could see that the baby was not ectopic. But my doctor said maybe I was just earlier than I realized. My progesterone was high, which was a relief to me. My doctor said we would check in 2 days. I struggled with the most intense anxiety. I could barely sleep. I just KNEW something was off, though I had no real reason to worry. I prayed and agonized in my heart even as I rejoiced over this little life. I knew that Wednesday's test results would give us a better idea of our baby's health. I had levels checked again on Wednesday, and my HCG had dropped to 64. When my doctor called to tell me the result, it was that moment I knew... our baby would not make it. I called Josh and he came home from work and we held each other and wept. To be sure things were progressing safely, my doctor checked my level again Friday and the HCG was at 18. That's when I knew that hope for my baby to live was no more. I prayed that things would pass naturally... and the Lord was incredibly gracious and I woke up Saturday morning, 10.8.2016, bleeding. Around 3pm or so that afternoon, my baby passed from my body, at 5 weeks 5 days. I know the moment the baby passed. I had had intense cramping all morning and afternoon... Having birthed 3 babies prior, 2 fully unmedicated, I can say with confidence... miscarriage IS labor. Miscarriage IS birth. And just like my 3 living children, this precious 4th baby was born... with pains of labor and peace of God carrying me through the process. After the baby passed, I felt... surreal. I didn't know what to do. My husband was doing yard work, so I went outside and joined him and worked on pruning my beloved rose bushes.

From the loss of this baby, God brought so much into our lives. I was introduced to a beautiful community called Hope Mommies. I met other moms who had babies in Heaven and the life of my baby was celebrated, validated, and remembered by those who understand. We also were introduced to a wonderful organization local to Lubbock, TX, called PILA (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness of Lubbock). PILA hosts an annual memorial service for families who have lost babies to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. Our baby passed on October 8th and the annual service was just a few weeks later. It was such a blessing to attend and hear our baby mentioned. The speaker was the author of this beautiful book - Love Letters to Miscarried Moms by Samantha Evans. Friends surrounded us and even brought us meals as our grief and heartache were recognized and validated an we were cared for. We grappled with this loss and found ways to honor the memory of this little life, gone so soon, though we had already fallen in love and had dreams of what this child would bring to our family and who he/she would be.

A necklace my twin sister gifted me. The blue represents the month Jordan was given life (September) and the opal represents the month that this baby was born & passed away (October).  

When we first got pregnant with our oldest, I coined the nickname BB1 (acronym for B's Baby 1 or Bruffey Baby 1 - because my nickname to my sisters is B or B-Beth) and it stuck as we walked through the pregnancies with our 2nd and 3rd babies. This was true with our 4th, BB4. So when the baby passed away, I continued to call her/him BB4 and also added "Glory Baby" from the song of the same name - Glory Baby by Watermark. It is the song that God brought to my mind shortly after we learned the baby wouldn't make it. After a couple weeks of grieving, I felt the desire to name our baby. Josh and I talked about it and I wanted to use the naming conventions we had followed for our other children... boys have the initials JP and girls RE... not knowing the gender of this baby, we decided to use a J first name like our boys and E middle name like our girls, so combining the two concepts. I immediately thought of "Jordan" as a first name... it works for a boy or girl and is derived from the Hebrew yarden, which means "to flow down" or "descend". This was perfect! In how Jordan passed... she/he did indeed "flow down". As we talked about middle names, I thought of "Emmanuel" because God has been so close with us during this heartache. I carried the name, Jordan Emmanuel, in my heart for weeks, but wasn't yet ready to share this baby's name beyond my husband, mother, and sisters... until a few months later.

The loss of our Jordan opened our hearts to grief and to others in a way we know the Lord will use. My prayer has been that HE in His goodness will bring beauty from the ashes of this sorrow. And we've already seen opportunities for us to serve and love and encourage others with an understanding that I would not have otherwise have had. And Jordan's passing prepared us for what was to come in a way I could never have imagined. We believe the loss of this child prepared us for a journey in a way that brings great purpose to the sweet little life of our Glory Baby.

Heaven became more real to me and I cannot wait to hold my Jordan some day!

One week after the passing of our Jordan was my 39th birthday... that happens to fall on October 15th. October 15th is the day during the month that the United States recognizes as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month that is focused on as a day to honor babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death. 

This year, on my 39th birthday, Josh and I needed time together. We were able to have a sitter and go out for time together. An international movement to remember babies lost called Remembering Our Babies (http://www.october15th.com/) hosts a candle lighting event annually on October 15th where anyone around the world lights a candle at 7pm in ALL time zones to remember babies lost in these ways. And the goal is for people in every time zone to light a candle and have it burn for at least one hour - which results in a continuous "wave of light" all over the world. Josh and I decided to participate. We went to a local pumpkin trail event, but on the way we stopped and bought a beautiful white candle in honor of Jordan. We sat in our car and lit the candle, prayed, cried, held hands, and remembered our baby and mourned the life we wouldn't get to share with her/him. 

Finding ways to celebrate this precious life, regardless of how short, has helped greatly as we grieve the life we will never get to enjoy here on earth.

The loss of our Jordan, our sweet BB4 Glory Baby, grieved our hearts so deeply. One of my prayers has been that the Lord will allow me to see His purpose in this pain, His goodness in our grief. A wonderful counselor I saw several months later reminded me that God has a purpose for EACH life and even those that are short have His purpose that He can and will accomplish. So I have asked God to graciously allow me to see some of that purpose for the life of our Jordan. I believe He has in a way I couldn't have imagined. The story to come. All the many resources and relationships we found because of Jordan's short life have proved to be so needed in the coming months.