Jonathan Patrick Bruffey (BB5)
2.5.2017
2.5.2017
"I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."
~ 2 Samuel 12:23b ~
"I cannot survive losing another baby!" This was what I told my sisters and mother one day as I struggled with anxiety during our 5th pregnancy. After the passing of our BB4 (Jordan), we decided to try for another little Bruffey. God sent us another baby and we were thrilled. We loved this baby deeply. But the reality of loss lead me to fear losing again. A truth I prayed about constantly and sought encouragement from friends. But as the days and weeks unfolded, BB5 grew and grew and was healthy and strong! We saw this baby on ultrasound several times and he always had an incredibly strong heartbeat! I found myself heading in to check on my beloved BB5 roughly every 2 weeks, whether to see my doctor or to an ER... my concern just compelled me to do so. Even after we were past the 6 week mark where we lost our BB4, I still couldn't find peace. Looking back, I wonder if God was trying to prepare me... I found myself not wanting to listen to any Christian songs that dealt with God being in the storms of life. I didn't WANT another storm in my life. My pregnancy blended loss and grief with the hope of new life and it was a messy reality.
"And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."
~ Philippians 4:19 ~
But before I continue our story, let me tell you that THIS verse, THIS promise, has proven to be the TRUTH... God has, does, and will provide our needs... our NEEDS according to HIS riches in glory in Christ Jesus.. Not our wants on this earth always, but certainly our needs.
You see, part of Jordan's legacy we now know... is leading us to Hope Mommies. We didn't even know at the time how MUCH we would need this incredible organization and group of godly women pursuing Jesus in the midst of their grief. But God knew. And He lead us there.
To backtrack a bit, after our miscarriage in October 2016, I asked my doctor if I could be referred to a local RE specialist that we already knew and loved. Just to check if there was anything concerning that might hinder another healthy baby. Well, we got pregnant so quickly, that the RE just took us on as patients to track my first trimester. This was God's provision. We saw this doctor weekly and checked the progress of our BB5. As with my other pregnancies, I had bleeding, but we couldn't find a cause. It came and went and eventually stopped. It certainly took a toll on my mama's heart. But having our doctor there to check on things frequently was a way God met my need at that time in our journey with this baby.
As our pregnancy unfolded, my sweet mama bought a few little gifts... a lamb blanket lovey, a first year of life picture calendar like I used with my other babies, etc. This was God's way of meeting needs we didn't yet know we had.
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| My favorite picture of our son at 11 weeks 1 day - sweet hands outstretched! |
We saw our baby so many times and he was truly precious. Always measuring a day or two (or three!) ahead with a beautiful heartbeat!
Then, came 14 weeks. 14 weeks and 1 day, on January 23, 2017. I saw my RE that morning for our final ultrasound with her. My baby was measuring 14 weeks 4 days, three days ahead. He had a heartbeat of 154! We didn't yet know his gender, but had taken the Progenity test and were expecting results any day. It was a precious time. I remember wanting that ultrasound to last and last. My husband had already moved to Houston to begin a new job, so it was just me and our other 3 living children enjoying their coming sibling.
Somehow, that day, I found the peace that had alluded me for much of the pregnancy. I began to embrace the hope that I would hold a living baby in just a few months. I went out and bought a pregnancy journal as I had done for our first three babies. We began counting down the weeks as a family using a cute sign a friend had sent us.
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| 1.23.2017 at 14 weeks 1 day - the last living picture of our son |
Then, we got the Progenity results for our baby. The scariest possibilities came back as negative, but other things were inconclusive. Both our doctor and the MFM specialist we met with and the genetic counselor told us that the test wasn't valid for what we were seeing and that they saw MANY false positives, but we could only know for sure if we did an amniocentesis OR if we waited and tested our baby after birth. The risk wasn't worth it to me given the non-fatal possibilities we were facing, so we opted to wait until after birth. The test showed that our baby was most likely a son, but it wasn't for certain given the results that were inconclusive. But I knew in my heart that I was carrying the son we had prayed for. In our journey with the genetic possibilities for this baby, I learned a dear friend was personally acquainted with the diagnosis we were looking at and through this friend God brought me great peace and insight. We prayed and waited to see how God would lead this precious little life.
I had begun seeing my physical therapist that helped with my healing after my 3rd birth and was planning to start my usual chiropractic care. But first I was planning our 3rd child's 2nd birthday party! And this is where God met our needs even as He gently lead us into the deepest waters of grief I've ever known.
Life Celebrated and Life Lost: February 3, 2017
11 days. 11 days earlier we had seen our baby strong and thriving. Sometime from that ultrasound on January 23, 2017 and Friday, February 3, 2017, our precious baby's heart beat its last and his soul slipped from earth to the arms of Jesus in Heaven. Here's how we found out. February 3rd is the birthday of my third child, our free and gentle, fierce and intelligent BB3. My husband, who had been living in Houston for his new job, came back into town for what was to be just ONE day to celebrate her birthday. We had her a precious Minnie Mouse themed party that morning and then were going to go out to lunch as a family. But the peace that I'd had for a week and a half seemed to vanish as quickly as it had come. I had some odd pains and Josh and I agreed that it would put our minds at ease if I was seen. I thought it was a possible UTI and that I'd get to hear my baby's heartbeat, get some treatment for the UTI, and be on my way. So, my husband dropped me off at the walk-in clinic connected to my doctor's office, as his schedule was booked that day. I was seen fairly quickly by the NP on call. She told me she didn't do much OB care and wasn't as skilled with a doppler, but that she'd try. So I didn't worry much when she couldn't find a heartbeat. She went to get my doctor's nurse (as the walk-in is just a hallway over from my doctor's exam rooms). My doctor had been both the care provider for my third pregnancy and birth, but also, as a family physician, cared for me and my 3 living children and my husband. So he and his nurses knew us and our family. His nurse came in smiling and asking how we were doing. We talked about the birthday party and how fast 2 years had gone. And she turned on the Doppler and found what seemed to be baby's heartbeat right away... 131 she said and talked to my baby. But then suddenly it seemed to disappear. She kept looking... and looking... and looking. But couldn't find it. She told me all was probably fine, but that they'd order a quick ultrasound to be sure. I remember as she was leaving the room, I stopped her and asked, "Have you ever had it be hard to find a heartbeat this far along and everything be okay?!" She assured me it was probably fine and that I was probably just still early for consistently finding a heartbeat on a doppler. As she left the room... I KNEW. Deep in my heart and spirit. I knew. My baby was gone. I was 15 weeks, 5 days. It was NOT early. I had always been able to find my babies' heartbeats on a doppler EASILY from about 8 weeks on. I saw up and grabbed my phone and pulled up my Bible app. The verse of the day was Philippians 4:19. I began to cry out in my mind to God - that he WOULD indeed meet our needs, whatever that meant.
Minutes later, they NP came back with the nurse and a sonographer and an ultrasound machine. They said something about saving me the trip of walking across the building to radiology. I knew. They knew. But I also knew things have to be done a certain way, so stayed quiet and just went along with the process. The sonographer turned on the machine and began the ultrasound with the screen away from me. It is the first time in all my 5 pregnancies and 7 years of going through pregnancies that the sonographer didn't turn the screen towards me. The room went deathly silent. The lights were already dim. I felt like I was shaking so badly from adrenaline and the knowledge I held deep in my heart. The sonographer measured and measured my baby for what seemed like years. Oddly, the sweet nurse I'd known for 3 years began talking to me, asking questions like "so was this baby planned?" She was bright and cheerful so, for just a moment, I had hope that MAYBE what I KNEW...wasn't true. Why would she ask me that if my baby was dead?? Now, I still wonder about her question. Yes, he was planned. And regardless, he was very wanted and very loved. And then, just like that, she looked back at the NP and asked, "do you need anything else?" The NP shook her head and then they all began to leave, with the nurse telling me, "We'll be right back." No doubt in my mind. But I didn't know what else to do other than to wait for their process to play out. I felt a blanket of certainty and grief enveloping me, but I couldn't move or think beyond the intense desire for someone to TELL ME what I already knew. Moments later, the group returned, this time lead by my doctor. As he walked in, it just confirmed what I knew. They wouldn't have called my doctor if all was fine. I found my voice and asked, "Dr. Brinker, does my baby have a heartbeat?" His eyes couldn't meet mine. But in his usual kind voice he replied, "I don't know. I need to take a look." Again, I knew. But all I could do was wait. I knew he would have to look himself before telling a mother such devastating news. So, I waited as yet another ultrasound began. It seemed an eternity as he checked on my baby. Finally, I could wait no more and I asked, "What is wrong?" I saw him take a breath and carefully, kindly find the words, "Your baby has passed away." and he began to turn the screen towards me. Everything seemed... surreal. I could hear my voice saying something but don't know how I found the words. He showed me a close up of our baby's still heart... then zoomed out so I could see the whole precious little body, that just days before was alive and moving and stretching, that now lay still and silent. I had already been feeling him but that had stopped. The movements were so butterfly faint that they weren't very frequent, but I had felt him and I treasure that memory.
I felt as though time stood still and reality forever shifted. The staff all left and Dr. Brinker took the ultrasound machine away. I remember saying something about calling my husband. Alone in the room, I called my beloved and when I heard his voice answer, I broke, "OUR BABY DIED!" I cried out. And his reply was equally as broken, "WHAT! NOOOOO!" I don't remember all the conversation, but I remember asking him if he could come. As God is in the details, he had just loaded our other 3 children in the car and so they were able to come immediately. We got off the phone and later I learned how hard he cried as he made his way to the clinic. As I sat alone in that room waiting, I just wept. My doctor returned and asked if he could give me a hug and then began to talk about options. I remember I had questions, but don't remember what I asked or even what he said. What I remember deciding at that point was that I would wait for my body to go into labor on its own, as I had done with my other births. It's what I knew and trusted. Then my doctor stepped out and told me they would let me know when Josh arrived. I asked him if we could use the room to have a quiet moment for a few minutes if it wasn't needed? I'll never forget... he looked at me with a decided look and said, "It isn't needed. Even if it is, it isn't! Take ALL the time you need." I'm so very grateful for a doctor who is both skilled at medicine and at human compassion. It wasn't long until my Josh arrive with my other babies. The staff were watching for them, and ushered them in quickly. Josh and I held each other and wept. Then we were able to talk to our children a bit and gather ourselves together to leave. As we headed down the hallway, our doctor came out and shook Josh's hand and expressed his sympathy and brought up other things for us to consider as we decided what to do. We thanked him and headed home.
A Different Journey: A Decision for Birth
At home, I don't remember where Josh took our other children, but I found myself sitting on my couch. As I had walked in the door, I saw our large family calendar and noticed that I was scheduled for a PT appointment the coming Monday and a chiropractic appointment, as well. I called to cancel both. The scheduler at my PT's office knew me well as I had been going there on and off for 2 years. I told her what had happened and that I was putting PT on hold for a while. She expressed her sorrow and we hung up. A little while later, my phone rang with an unknown number. It was my PT - she is a godly woman who makes such a difference in the life of women! She was heartbroken for me. She asked me what I needed. I remember that she remembered that it was my daughter's birthday party, "I can come vacuum for you and do whatever you need!" I told her that my parents were on their way from Houston. She said, "I can come be your mama until your mama can get there. You just let me know." Her phone call meant SO much. I know she was praying for us and shared in our sorrow. And THAT means so so very much to anyone grieving. I know that now. It was through my phone call with my PT that the next events came to pass. She asked me if I had contacted Sarah. You see, in Lubbock, there is a precious community of us mamas who have learned from experience ALL about our pelvic floors. My PT is a pelvic floor specialist. So, we got to know one another as mamas working to heal our PF through PT and who all happened to see the same wonderful PT in town. Sarah is a fellow mama who I also was in a natural living mama's group with. Sarah is also a doula - both live birth and bereavement birth. I'd known her for almost 4 years. I had thought of texting her, but knew she had a lot on her plate so hesitated. When my PT brought her up, it motivated me to reach out to her. I assured Kathy (my PT) that I would contact Sarah. So, as soon as we hung up, I texted Sarah and told her what had happened and asked if she would just be with me whenever my baby was born. I was still planning to wait on my body to go into labor on its own. She texted back immediately, telling me she would and asked if she could come meet with us while Josh was still in town to go over some scenarios. So, we set up a meeting for early the next morning, Saturday 2/4, before Josh was to leave to return to Houston. I was really grappling with our decision to wait for things to happen naturally. But I was a NATURALLY minded mama. It's all I knew. But I did NOT have peace. I remember I asked my best friend sister to be praying that I'd have clarity and peace from God on how this baby would be born.
Doula Love: Another Reason I'll Never Birth Without a Doula
Sarah arrived early with fresh fruit and flowers. Bless her, she herself is a mama to 6 babies in Heaven and she just knew. She knew how to be there for us. We sat down and I could tell something was on her mind. She started gently, "Elizabeth, you shared with me that your main desire is to hold your baby whole..." In that moment, I KNEW. I looked at her and my mouth dropped open... "...decay..." I said. One word. So powerful. So definitive. She nodded. That's when I knew. I didn't want to wait. If we waited, the chances of us holding our baby's whole body went down. Even as we sat there, his precious body was no longer alive and thus no longer growing but rather would be breaking down in a way that death causes. I felt a peace wash over me as God answered my prayer. I wanted to be induced. This was SO foreign to me. To seek to have my baby born before my body did so on its own?! But I KNEW it was right for this baby. For this birth. Sarah has douled for many types of bereavement births and studied a lot on this topic and was able to tell us that 2nd trimester losses/births come with an increased risk of maternal hemorrhage and possible complications with placenta delivery. I had quite a bit of bleeding after my 3rd birth, so this solidified our decision. What really gave me peace was her telling us about how the local hospital, UMC, handled births like ours. They have a room in L&D, room 15, AWAY from the other birthing rooms, that is dedicated to bereavement births for families going in for stillbirths like ours or those whose baby has a fatal diagnosis and isn't expected to live long after birth. The hospital even has an entire bereavement committee that seeks to train every area of the hospital on how to care for grieving families facing the loss of loved ones. They would know how to love us, honor our baby's life and passing, and gently guide his birth. The next several hours were a whirlwind. My doctor had told us he would be working in clinic Saturday, so we called him and I told him what we had decided. He didn't know about room 15 for bereavement births, but told me he would find out and get back with me. I later learned that, the amazing physician he is, he spent much of the rest of the day researching 2nd trimester inductions for infant demise births, finding out about the UMC bereavement birth room and process, etc. He called me after 5pm that night telling me that all was arranged. He had decided, after much reading and talking to his own mentors, to transfer my care to the local head of MFM due to the risks with 2nd trimester births. This made me really nervous, but I trusted him and my doula had worked with this doctor and assured me he was quite skilled with births like mine. So, Josh and I then began to do in a few hours what we spent months on with our other births... planning our baby's birth.
A Birth Plan Like No Other
God lead me to LET GO of any fears or plans for this birth. It differed from any other I'd experienced. Even our earlier loss at 5 weeks 5 days was a unique birth. But I couldn't plan anything to prepare for it. I KNEW that I was having a son. We already had a name picked out for him had he been born healthy and alive months later. But It just didn't fit anymore. We scoured the internet for names. One jumped out. We name our boys (usually) "J" names. A "J" name I had loved that kept coming up was "Jonathan" that means "God's gift." And this baby WAS INDEED God's gift to us. and we chose to give him his Daddy's middle name, Patrick. THAT was his name. Jonathan Patrick. We typed up verses and gathered keepsakes to take with us. And God kept prompting me to lay down any expectations, fears of hospitals, or wants for this birth. In His goodness, He left me with 3 prayers for this birth: (1) That our baby would be born whole (2) that his gender would be clear and confirmed and (3) that I wouldn't have complications with delivering the placenta and any subsequent bleeding issues. That was it. Everything else I might have wished for I let go of before my Heavenly Father and prayed just these 3 things.
The Birth of our BB5: Sunday, February 5, 2017
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| Jonathan's Precious Footprint |
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| My hospital bedside table - with the album on the left. |
We arrived at the hospital by 8am Sunday morning. There had been some confusion in the scheduling and they quickly got that resolved. Our doctor joined us there, which meant the world to us to have his familiar face there before we started labor. We got to meet the MFM that would guide our birth. When we sat and talked with him before we began, God showed me powerfully that HE was there and HE was in charge and caring for us. This doctor shared how he did this type of birth and he had obvious confidence and skill and kindness. He talked about the possible complications with placenta delivery at our gestation and how he handled that was unique and different from many of his colleagues...in a good way. He told us his approach better protected the pregnant uterus for future health. I felt a peace. He also told us that, at our gestation depending on how long our baby had been deceased, that it was usually not clear on gender so they usually just put "girl" on the medical records. My heart hurt at this news, but we continued to pray. We told him our goal of holding our baby whole and he assured us that was the desire for all.
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| The hand of Jonathan Patrick with Mommy's & Daddy's fingers. |
There were so many ways that God met us during this intense, sorrowful experience of birthing our son who had already died. Our doula and nurses commented on how peaceful our labor and birth were. One thing I treasure is that our 2 nurses were both there. Michelle was about to get off and Danielle was just starting her shift, so they were both there as our son was born. Another of the ways God met us was with provision - meeting our needs just as His word promised the day we learned Jonathan had passed. (Philippians 4:19). A dear local mama friend, who I didn't know until our loss that she had also lost a baby, knitted the hats and blankets for our son. Another organization, Threads of Love, made the gown he wore. And our doula made 2 blankets for him - one made of a satin that allowed us to hold his delicate body without fear of injuring him. And yet another fellow bereaved mother came and gave us the gift of pictures. Thank you to, respectively, Jessie Hertz (knitted), Sarah Pohlmeyer (doula), and Cassie Thomas-Fuller (photographer) who have all found ways to honor their babies in Heaven so well. And to our nurses who showed kindness, compassion, and true love - thank you. We have SUCH precious memories of our son's birth. It TRULY makes a difference was we walk with the grief and ache of missing him every day. I am so grateful for Danielle, who had a background in palliative care. She spent hours getting Jonathan's footprints. I cherish these more than I can say.
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| Jonathan's Footprints |
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| A necklace from my sisters with an exact replica of our son's footprints. |
We went in on Sunday with 3 prayers that God had put deeply on our hearts. (1) That our son would be born whole (2) That his gender be confirmed (3) That I would not need surgery nor have dangerously excessive bleeding. God in His goodness provided for all 3. The peace, the timing, the care providers, my parents being able to be there, and all 3 of our hopes and prayers being met... given the tragedy and grief we were facing, we saw and felt God's hand and love and provision amidst the sorrow of losing our much longed for 2nd son.
Memories Captured
As we had prepared for his birth knowing he would be born still, I found a blog where a family who had lost a baby at a similar age shared their stories and shared pictures of their baby. It was SO helpful to prepare us and prepare our other children. That is why I am sharing our story here... and why I am sharing the pictures of our son. So, if any other family out there is going through a comparable tragedy, that maybe our story, our pictures will be a benefit to them, and thus honor the memory of our son.
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| A collage that captures 6 of our 7 family members. |
The Story Of Our Birth In Pictures
(by Cassie Thomas-Fuller with Half My Heart Photography)
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| Down the hall at UMC's Family Birth Center |
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| Bereavement Birth Room in L&D |
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| Room 15 - Bereavement Birth Room at UMC |
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| A Bible for Jonathan and Certificate of Birth Record |
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| A perfect tiny hat and bracelet |
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| Jonathan's hat, gown, and a blanket |
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| So small...yet so whole. |
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| We were speechless |
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| Quiet moments with our son. |
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| We dressed him in his gown and snuggled him in this precious moses basket. |
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| After he was born, the doctor and nurses cleaned him off and my doula lit up and told me, "Elizabeth, he's a boy!" |
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| Another set of footprints and a second hat |
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| Danielle getting Jonathan's footprints. |
Being Jonathan's Mama
My parents went and picked up my children and brought them for us
to have some precious family time.
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| Excited to see Daddy |
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| We had shown our children a picture of a baby at 16 weeks, so they were prepared. We told them they didn't have to see their baby brother if they weren't comfortable. As they walked in, Jacob said, "I want to see the baby!" |
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| Rebekah, at just 2, said over and over "awww. sweet baby!" |
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| My doula reminded me that allowing Rebekah to nurse would help my healing, just like after my live births. What a precious moment for me and my toddler. So bittersweet. |
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| He had long prayed for a brother. When he arrived and I told him, "Jacob, it's a boy." He lit up. It has been a hard journey as we grieve the son we had long prayed for and Jacob's brother who was very much wanted. But seeing how God uses this journey in all of us and for our family unit has been powerful and life changing. |
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| Big sister |
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| Big sister |
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| Rebekah adored Mrs. Sarah! |
After my parents took my children back home, Josh and I had some more time with Jonathan's little body before bed.
Processing it all seemed surreal. We felt God's inexplicable peace in a way I never have before. He carried us through an experience of birth like none we could have never imagined nor expected. But as my best friend/sister always reminds me, "God was not surprised." We do not know why God allowed Jonathan's life to end so quickly. But we do KNOW that his life has purpose and he has a legacy like every human.
The legacy of his life, and the life of Jordan before him, is something I plan to share more about in coming posts. While I haven't been lead to share on our blog in a long time, the loss of our 2 babies has changed that and I've felt deeply compelled to share our story... the story of our babies and the story of God's work in our family through loss and grief and, ultimately, hope. Now, our family desires to share what we call "Jonathan's Joy" - this is the joy he has long known fully in the presence of Jesus. and a joy that our gracious God wants to provide for all who trust in Him.
“But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me, so that
through me the message might be fully proclaimed…”
~ 2 Timothy 4:17 ~
~ One Day Closer ~
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